Track 16: Tomorrow Ain’t Promised

In my 34 years on this earth, I’ve lived a lot of life, and I’m vocal about most of it. My Gramma Gwen always tells me to “Keep on living,” and I plan to do just that. She also tells me to stop putting everything on that Facebook lol, but y’all know I can’t be completely obedient. Some things will never change.

The Black family has evolved in many ways over the years, but one thing we still struggle with is being transparent about what’s really going on. We don’t always create safe spaces to tell the truth, to feel our feelings, or to prepare for the inevitable. Instead, we hold things in until life shakes us hard enough to force everything to the surface.

And the truth is, I’ve endured a lot.

Abandonment issues. ADHD. Clinical depression. Suicide attempts. gRape. Sexual assault. Health scares. Homelessness. Loads of family drama and trauma. In-laws. Loss. Dreams slipping through my fingers. And other things that ain’t nobody’s business. Yet somehow, God continues to keep me here. I don’t fully understand how He carries me through all this and still gives me the strength to get up every day and try to be there for others. But if He continues to use me, I’ll continue to show up.

Yesterday was one of those reminders of how quickly life can shift. I dropped my little letter opener at work and tried to grab it with my foot, but it wouldn’t budge. So I got on my Megan knees. When I backed out from under the desk, I misjudged the distance and boom, I cracked my nugget on that desk hard as dafuq. The little boy in me who grew up being told boys don’t cry and to brush things off wanted to hop up and keep it pushin. But then my vision got cloudy, I got nauseous, and the headache started getting worser and worser.

On the way to the ER, my mind drifted straight into the worst-case scenario. If I died, I’d be leaving my Hubby and my Mom in the middle of everything we’re carrying. I wondered what legacy I’d leave behind. What people would say. What they’d feel. And even though it turned out to be a mild concussion, something shifted in me.

It reminded me that I need to make sure my affairs are in order. It reminded me that people deserve to hear their flowers while they’re still here. And it reminded me that tomorrow ain’t promised.

Not because I’m giving up.

Not because I’m saying goodbye.

But because love should be spoken in real time.

So here it goes.

Mommy

Mommy… you’ve been my best friend since I was in your womb. You have always been my safest place in a world that hasn’t always been kind to me. When everything felt cold or confusing or heavy, you were the warmth. You are my safe place.

The older I get, the more I see you in me. The way I love people. The way I push through pain. The way I carry family on my back even when I’m tired. I joke that I’m you with Daddy’s face and skin lol, but the truth is, so much of my heart, my strength, and my spirit comes directly from you.

You did everything you could for me and Imani, even when you didn’t have much to give. You raised two kids with ADHD, depression, big dreams, and expensive-ass hobbies lol, and you did it without ever letting us feel like burdens. You carried more weight than anyone ever gave you credit for, and you still loved us through all of it. Both your babies graduated college. Both of us are out here trying to make something out of this life because you taught us resilience and faith.

Living together now is wild sometimes, because it really is like looking in a mirror. I understand you in ways I couldn’t when I was younger. I see your sacrifices differently. I see your fears differently. I see your heart differently. And I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.

You deserve peace, softness, joy, and the chance to finally put yourself first. I pray God gives you the rest your soul has earned ten times over. You’re my last living parent, and I pray He blesses you with a life that feels lighter than the one you had to push through to get here. And I want you to know that as long as I’m alive, you will never walk alone.

I love you so much.

Imani

Imani, my baby sister. I love you so much. Before anything else, I need you to know that. Growing up, we didn’t have the easiest childhood, and you were troubled in ways people on the outside never really saw. You made life hell sometimes, but even through the chaos and the fighting and the back-and-forth, I was always protective of you. I didn’t know how to fix everything you were going through, but I always tried to be there. I always wanted to shield you from the world and from yourself when I could.

For us to grow up in the same house, we were very different. We didn’t have the strongest relationship outside of simply being siblings growing up together. But even with all of that, we had one thing that was ours. Music. Through every argument, through every slammed door, through every moment we didn’t understand each other, music was where we met in the middle. Our voices blended in a way that felt like home, even when the rest of our relationship didn’t.

And that’s why it hurt in ways I didn’t have the language for when things shifted between us. When you decided that my life didn’t line up with your convictions. When you disowned me, it felt like losing the future I always imagined for us. I wanted you in my wedding. I wanted us to sing together. I wanted us to grow into the kind of siblings who get closer with age, not farther apart. I wanted us to heal the distance we carried from childhood and finally build something new as adults.

You took that opportunity away before it ever had a chance to exist, and I’ve had to grieve that quietly.

But even with all of that, the love is still there. It has always been there.

I am proud of the woman you’re becoming. I am proud of the strength you’ve shown. And the love I have for you isn’t conditional. It isn’t fragile. It isn’t dependent on agreement or understanding.

My heart is open to us reconciling when the time is right. I don’t know what that looks like or when it will be, but I believe there is a version of us that finds our way back. And when that door opens, even just a crack, I’ll be on the other side willing to walk through it.

No matter what, I will always love you.

And I wish you nothing but the best in this life and in the next.

Gramma Gwen

Gramma, so much of who I am comes from you. You were one of my first examples of strength, style, and class. Even though we didn’t always see eye to eye as I grew into myself, there was never a moment when I doubted how much you loved your family, your Delta sorors, your faith, and your first (whispers and favorite) grandson.

When people talk about a praying grandmother, I think of you. Your presence has always carried a certain kind of peace and structure, and growing up around you shaped me in more ways than I understood at the time. My love for clothes. My appreciation for good shoes. My love for the Deltas. All of that traces back to you.

I know you aren’t the biggest fan of tattoos, but the red elephant on my chest is in honor of you. You always loved elephants, and over time they started to represent you in my mind. Strong. Wise. Rooted. Protective.

We had some tough moments as I got older, especially as I stepped into who I am. Some of those moments were hard for me, and I know they weren’t easy for you either. But even when you showed tough love after I graduated from college, it came from a place of wanting me to grow. I didn’t understand it then, but I see it clearly now. It helped shape me into a better version of myself.

Finding out we shared the same favorite scripture, Philippians 4:13, made me feel even more connected to you as a kid. It explained a lot about the strength you carry.

Thank you for your love and faith.

Thank you for the ways you’ve poured into me.

Thank you for believing in me, even when I didn’t fully believe in myself.

I am who I am partly because of you, and I’m grateful for that.

Uncle Brian

Unc, there’s never been a secret about the gap my dad left after the divorce. You were the closest thing I had to a father, and you stepped into that space without ever making a big show of it. You just showed up. Consistently. Quietly. Fully. And that meant more to me than I think you’ll ever know.

Your commitment to your family is something I’ve always admired. It’s what I’ve always tried to mirror in my own life. Any time I think about making my parents proud, there’s a part of me that thinks about you too. You helped raise me in ways that shaped the man I am today.

I got my love for football from you. My loyalty to the Skins. And my introduction to real R&B and soul came from you. Mommy wasn’t playing Kem and Musiq Soulchild in the house like that lol, but you were. And there I was in middle school with grown folk CDs, learning sounds and emotions my age group wasn’t even supposed to be tapped into yet. A lot of my musical identity comes straight from the foundation you gave me.

You taught me how to tie a tie. You showed up for the moments when a boy really needs a man to show him the way. You were there in my impressionable years when it really mattered. And if I’ve never said it out loud, I want to say it now.

Thank you.

I carry the lessons you taught me everywhere I go, and I’m grateful for you.

Godmommy Stacy

Godmommy, you know Black folks love handing out Godparents like Oprah handing out gifts lol, but you have always been more than a title. As I got older, I started to really understand and appreciate the role you played in my life. You showed up at the moments that mattered, not just because it was expected, but because you loved me.

When I left Maryland in 2016 and moved to Columbus, you were there. When my sister disowned me and my world shifted in ways I wasn’t prepared for, you were there. When I got married, you were there. When my father passed and all the chaos and pain that came with that hit me at once, you were there again, grounding me with your wisdom, your theology, and your love.

You have been a steady presence through some of the most pivotal chapters of my life. You didn’t just check in. You poured in. You spoke life into me when I didn’t have the words. You held space for me without judgment. And you showed me what it looks like to love someone with intention.

I’m so thankful for you.

Aunt Linda

Aunt Linda, you may not be blood, but you will always be family to me. When we needed you the most, you stepped in without hesitation. You gave love, support, and presence in a way that only real family knows how to do.

You didn’t just show up once. You continued to show up. You continued to love on us, check on us, and hold space for us. And sometimes the people who choose you mean even more than the people you’re born to.

If I have never said it clearly, I want to say it now.

Thank you.

I appreciate you more than you know.

Aunt Lisa

Aunt Lisa, we grew up calling you Aunt Lisa, and you have always been that for us. Blood couldn’t make you any more family than what you’ve already been in my life.

Back in March of 2016, when the baby bird got kicked out of the nest, I ended up in a controlling and sometimes abusive situationship in North Carolina. I didn’t know how to leave at first, and when it was finally time for me to escape and take my power back, I had nowhere to go. No plan. No safety net. No idea what came next.

But you gave me somewhere to lay my head. You gave me a place to breathe. You gave me a chance to get back on my feet and reclaim myself. That kind of kindness stays with a person forever.

I don’t know if I’ve ever told you how much that meant to me.

How much I appreciated it.

How much it helped me rebuild.

I thank God for you.

And I thank you for being exactly who you were when I needed it most.

Alicia and Tamisha

Alicia and Tamisha, to the best Maid and Matron of Honor a guy could ever ask for. I am so grateful to have you both in my life. We have literally grown up together. We’ve seen each other evolve, stumble, glow up, break down, rebuild, and rise again. There aren’t many people who can say they’ve watched you through every version of yourself, but y’all can.

I’m so proud of the women you’ve become. Watching you step into your power, own your gifts, and shine your light for the world to see has been inspiring as hell. Black excellence at its finest.

Your love and friendship have carried me through so many seasons of my life. You have celebrated me, challenged me, checked me when needed, and covered me when I couldn’t cover myself. You both showed up for my wedding with so much love and intention, and that meant the world to me.

I’m honored to walk through life with you. Thank you for being my sisters in every way that matters. Thank you for your support, your honesty, your joy, and your unwavering presence.

I love y’all deeply.

Mike

Mike, there is a lot I can say about you, but I’ll keep it cute lol. I met you through Sigma as my Dean, and over time you became one of my closest friends. We have bumped heads more than a few times because we both have strong personalities, and yes, sometimes I can be a little hard headed. But even in those moments, I’ve always appreciated you.

Life has been lifing for both of us these past few years, but you’ve been a solid friend through it all. You’re the one who tells it like you see it. You don’t sugarcoat. You don’t mince words. You say what needs to be said, and honestly, that’s something I value deeply. You keep it real even when the truth is uncomfortable, and that’s a rare kind of friendship.

Thank you for being a smart mouth, I mean a sound friend and brother. Thank you for challenging me, grounding me, and being someone I can count on when things get heavy. Thank you for bringing Anthony into our lives too. Love looks good on you, and it’s been beautiful to see you grow into that.

I appreciate you more than you know.

Kris

Spec, you are like the older brother I never knew I needed. From the moment you became my ADP in Sigma, you pushed me to show up for the frat and for myself, and that’s something I’ve always respected.

We get on each other’s nerves sometimes, and we’ve definitely had our moments, but the love has always been heavy. The way you show up for your people needs to be studied. And yes, you stay booked and busy. Yes, you don’t always respond to text messages and yes, you will fall asleep anywhere at any time and snore the house down lol, but even with all of that, you are present in the moments that matter.

I will never forget the ways you’ve shown up for me and my family. You have carried me through situations you probably didn’t even realize were affecting me that deeply. Your loyalty and your heart are unmatched.

You deserve the crescent moon and everything underneath it. And just so you know, you’re stuck with me lol. I’m grateful for you, bro.

George

George, our friendship was unexpected, but it was exactly what I needed. You came into my life at a time when I didn’t know I needed another brother, and somehow we just showed up for each other without hesitation. No conditions. No keeping score. Just genuine care.

My family and I grew to appreciate you as a constant in our lives. You didn’t just show up for me. You showed up for us. That’s something I’ll never take lightly.

Life has been lifing for both of us lately. You’ve been juggling your PhD, higher ed, ministry, and everything else God has placed on your plate. I’ve been trying to keep my head above water with everything happening in my world. Even with all the distance, the silence, the scheduling, the responsibilities, I appreciate you for being there. Being steady. Being you.

One day, the world is going to see you the way I do. They’re going to see that your calling is bigger than titles, positions, or degrees. They’re going to see your heart, your wisdom, your humor, your capacity to love people well. They’re going to see your light without you shrinking yourself to fit the room.

And when that day comes, I’ll be somewhere in the audience proud as hell, knowing I got to witness the early chapters.

Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being a blessing to my family. Thank you for showing up in ways you didn’t even realize mattered.

I appreciate you more than you know.

Jovan

Jovan, I try to love on you every chance I get because I want you to know how much you mean to me. You really are the little brother I never had. Watching you grow, stumble, get back up, learn, unlearn, and keep fighting through life has made me so proud of the man you’re becoming.

Life has thrown some serious punches your way, but you never stay down for long. You keep trying. You keep showing up. You keep pushing toward the version of yourself that you know is possible. That kind of resilience is rare, and I want you to recognize it in yourself.

I pray you get everything your heart desires. I pray that life gives you the space, the love, the peace, and the support you need to step into your full potential. You deserve to be wrapped in favor. You deserve joy that doesn’t come with conditions. You deserve stability, softness, and people who see you clearly.

I’m rooting for you always.

I love you, little bro.

Randrick

My June of ’91 Gemini Sigma Twin lol. When I talk about finding my tribe, it has definitely been you. We don’t have to talk every day, every week, or even every month, but the moment we do chat or link up, it’s like no time has passed. When we met, it was an instant connection.

We show up for each other.

We stand up for each other.

We hold each other down in ways that don’t need explanations or announcements.

You’ve shown up for me more in the last two years all the way from Houston than some people in Columbus have in the last ten. That’s loyalty. That’s brotherhood. And that’s why you’re my twin.

I appreciate you more than you know.

Will

I’ve met a lot of Sigmas since I crossed, but none are quite like you. I genuinely look up to you and the way you move. The way you show up for Sigma and for the people you love. You have a quiet fire that doesn’t need an audience to burn strong.

What I love most is how willing you are to ride for me and support me whenever I call. If you can, you will. No pun intended lol.

And what really stands out is that we don’t have to talk every day for our bond to be real. We check in when it matters. We pray for each other. And when someone has something slick to say about the other, we defend each other without even having to be asked. That’s character. That’s brotherhood. That’s love in action.

Because the real question is always:

Who are you when nobody’s watching?

Do you go to bat for your people unprovoked, or do you wait until they’re drowning before you offer a lifeline?

You’ve always shown up with intention and integrity.

I love you bigly.

Mykal

Mykal Deshawnathan Kilgore, I remember when I first started following you on IG during your “Did You Sweat Today?” era. I used to watch those videos and say to myself, “I need to be diligent like him.” And at that point, I had no idea how magical your voice was.

Then I saw and heard your “Aquarius” video that was making rounds and got hip to the voice. Then I saw the Grammy nom for “A Man Born Black” and I said ohhhh, he’s different.

Then I heard “The Man in the Barbershop” and my full standom unlocked.

But somewhere between the vocals, the humor, the activism, and the magic of who you are, a real friendship formed. And somehow you’ve been stuck with me ever since lol.

When I finally stopped running from my dream and chose to step into it, you were right there. Encouraging me. Pouring into me. Guiding me. Believing in me in moments when I didn’t fully believe in myself yet.

You have no idea how much that means to me.

I appreciate you more than you’ll ever know.

Beta Omicron Sigma

BOΣ, we have had an interesting love and hate relationship, but this chapter will always be home for me. Coming into Sigma during COVID was not what I expected, but I wouldn’t trade the experience for the world. Before I even crossed, I was doing work for the chapter. I mean, I designed my own interest meeting flyer lol. That’s how excited I was to serve and show up.

I don’t think I had even gotten settled in the chapter before I was appointed to lead the Marketing and Branding Committee. We had a rocky start. There were misunderstandings and moments that made it hard for me to ever really find my footing. That made it harder for y’all to get to know me, and harder for me to get to know y’all.

Then the losses started hitting me. Losing my grandfather. Losing my dad. Going through personal storms while trying to hold myself together. I expected people who didn’t really know me yet to show up for me, and when they didn’t, instead of leaning in and building those relationships, I pulled back. I isolated myself. And some of that is on me.

No family is perfect. We all grow at different paces and from different angles. But even with the bumps and distance, I’m looking forward to being more present, not just financially, but physically and emotionally. I want to show up not because it’s expected, but because I want to reconnect and rebuild what I didn’t get the chance to fully establish.

Blu Phi.

All My Children 138

Twan, Shawn, and Dre, other than being a dog dad, I’ll probably never have kids, but I am honored to call you my Sigma kids. Being your ADP gave me a chance to connect with you in a way I didn’t expect. There are ten of you, and y’all are a handful lol, but the three of you I worked closest with reminded me so much of myself. The good, the growing, the stubborn, the eager, the passionate. I saw pieces of my own journey reflected back at me.

I’m proud of the men you’re becoming. Proud of the work you’ve done in Sigma. Proud of the impact you’ve had in your communities. Proud of the growth I’ve seen in each of you as individuals.

Even in moments when I didn’t feel at home in the chapter, I always had a connection with my kids. You gave me purpose when I needed it. You gave me joy when things were heavy in my own life. And watching you find your place and your footing reminded me why I stepped into leadership in the first place.

Keep growing. Keep shining. Keep loving.

The world needs what each of you carries.

I can’t wait to see what you do next.

🫐

When you join anything, especially something as old and defined as Sigma, you have to find your tribe, and after my boy Jason Banks (RIP) got me into the group, I definitely found mine. I met so many people who changed my life for the better. You all became a space where I could breathe and laugh and just be myself without explaining who I was.

When I felt like the redheaded stepchild in my own chapter, y’all embraced me. You held me down. You made space for me without me having to ask for it. And when my father passed, it was this group that rallied around me, checked on me, prayed for me, and made sure I felt loved. I will never forget that.

Like any group, we’re not always going to agree. We’re not always going to get along. We’re human, and sometimes emotions run high or wires get crossed. Sometimes we say things we don’t mean, and sometimes we don’t give grace when someone says something they do mean. But my hope has always been that when love is present, folks can speak their peace, forgive, and move forward.

For those of you who still check on me or wonder why I haven’t been around, please know I love you and I appreciate you. I needed to give certain situations some room to breathe and unfold on their own. I’m hopeful that with time, things will feel lighter, and I look forward to reconnecting and sharing space again when the moment is right.

Y’all were there for me in ways you probably didn’t even realize.

And I’m grateful.

Ta’Shobe

Shobe… you are my balance. You are the Yin to my Yang, my Better Half (the 3 to my 6 🐬❤️‍🔥🖤). From the beginning, something about you felt like home in a way I had never experienced before. You came into my life right when I needed grounding, healing, and something real to hold on to, and you have been that ever since.

I appreciate your heart more than I can ever put into words. The way you love me, especially when friends and family try to get you to think or feel otherwise, shows me the kind of man you are. Loyal. Steady. Rooted. A protector of what he loves. You have stood beside me in moments where others would have folded. You have loved me in ways I didn’t always know how to ask for. And you have literally saved my life.

There is something about you that makes me feel safe and secure, especially after the year I had before you came. You gave me space to breathe. You gave me room to exist. You gave me love without limits. Not only do I try to pour into you as much as I can, but there are literal songs written about you lol. You are my muse. My peace. My soft place. My spark.

You are the best friend I have ever had, and I wouldn’t want to do this life with anyone else. Our journey has been interesting, layered, and sometimes hard af, but with everything that comes our way, we make life our heaux and show it who is boss. God knew exactly what He was doing when He made you for me.

You are the living, breathing version of “You Were Made for Me,” the song we danced to on our wedding day. And not to be corny, but I want to quote the words I sang to you before my vows.

“No one makes me feel the way you do inside.

And I don’t know what I would do without you and that’s no lie.

If I die, I hope to find you in another life…

so we can fall again and be the way we were when we first began.”

I love you, Ta’Shobe.

More than these words can ever hold.

More than this lifetime can contain.

To infinity and beyond.

Writing all of this wasn’t easy. It brought up memories I thought I buried, feelings I forgot I still carried, and love I don’t say out loud nearly enough. But hitting my head yesterday reminded me of something I already knew but sometimes ignore.

Tomorrow ain’t promised.

We say that phrase all the time, almost like a reflex. But when you’re sitting in the passenger seat of your husband’s car on the way to the ER, vision cloudy and stomach turning, it stops being a cliché and becomes a truth you can feel in your chest.

Life changes fast. One second you’re laughing at your desk, the next you’re thinking about your legacy. One moment you’re brushing off a minor scare, the next you’re wondering if the people you love know what they mean to you. And as uncomfortable as it is to admit, we don’t talk about these things enough.

Especially in the Black community.

We talk around pain. We whisper about trauma. We avoid conversations about wills, life insurance, end-of-life wishes, and the hard stuff that makes our stomach drop. We love deeply but we don’t always express it. We survive but we don’t always plan. We carry burdens quietly because that’s what we were taught.

But I don’t want to live that way anymore.

I’m not writing a goodbye letter. I’m not suicidal. I’m not giving my final words. I’m giving my present words, while I’m here, breathing, loving, growing, evolving, and trying to do better with the time I’m given.

I want the people in my life to know how I feel about them now, not at my funeral. I want to leave clarity instead of confusion. I want my loved ones to know where important documents are, what my wishes are, who I trust, and how I want to be remembered. I want to normalize conversations that make us uncomfortable so they don’t have to be traumatic later.

I want us to plan for the inevitable so we can live the rest of our lives with intention.

And before I close this out, I want to say this. If you’re close to me and you didn’t see your name in this post, please don’t take it as a sign that you’re not loved or appreciated. If I listed every single person who has shown up for me, poured into me, prayed for me, fed me, checked on me, laughed with me, or held space for me, we would be here all day. This post is already long af lol.

I love the people who love me authentically. Even when I can’t always say it out loud, I try to show it in the ways I know how. So if you’re reading this and you’re part of my life, know that your presence matters and your love hasn’t gone unnoticed.

So here is my encouragement to you.

Tell your people you love them. All of them. The easy relationships and the complicated ones. Give your flowers while people can smell them. Apologize where you need to. Forgive where you feel led. Set your boundaries. Have the hard conversations. Put your affairs in order. Write things down. Make a plan. Make your peace.

Not out of fear.

Out of love.

Because tomorrow ain’t promised, but today is. And today is more than enough time to start speaking your truth, honoring your heart, and preparing for whatever comes next.

This is Track 16.

This is me choosing honesty.

Choosing clarity.

Choosing love.

Choosing life.

And choosing to keep on living, just like Gramma Gwen said.

Always keep living.

Always keep loving.

And always leave less unsaid.