Track 14: No Good Deed

Wicked was the first Broadway musical I ever saw live. Not a cast album. Not a clip floating around online. The real deal. My ex took me for my birthday, and even though most of that night is a blur, I remember the magic. I remember the way the voices filled the room and wrapped around me like something familiar. I didn’t grow up going to theater shows outside of church or school, nor step into rooms where art lived that big. But the music? The music always found me. Music has always been the one thing that cuts through the noise in my head. ADHD never gave me the grace to sit through long plays, books, sermons, or speeches. But let a chord hit right or a voice carry some pain in it… and suddenly I’m still, present, listening.

So back then, I didn’t keep the whole plot of Wicked with me. I carried the feeling. The hum. The way it made my spirit shift, even if I couldn’t explain why.

Which is probably why when Wicked Part One came out last year, it hit me with a freshness. I walked into the theater expecting nostalgia and walked out hooked. Then watched it again. And again. And again. Then bought it on streaming and watched it more. Let it play in the background while I unpacked my life, cooked, designed, tried to breathe through the chaos. Something in that story was calling me, low and steady, waiting on the right moment.

Part Two was that moment.

Opening night. Solo date. Just me and my thoughts. I wasn’t expecting anything deep. I wasn’t expecting to get emotional. But the way I sat there silently crying… man. Tears sliding down without a sound like they had been waiting years for the green light. It was so dramatic lol. Like, why are you crying. It was release. It was recognition.

Because somewhere in that theater, I realized how much of my life I’ve spent feeling like Elphaba.

Elphaba walked into rooms where people already made up their minds about who she was. She led with good intentions but still ended up blamed, misunderstood, or cast as the problem. She loved hard. She cared deeply. She tried to do right even when doing right cost her. She wanted to belong without breaking herself down into smaller, more digestible pieces.

Tell me that isn’t familiar. Tell me that isn’t the weight so many of us carry in silence. Whether you’re a Black Woman or Black Gay Man, we know that weight all too well.

And maybe it hit so heavy because of the season I’m in right now. For the last five years I’ve been doing the work. Really doing it. Healing. Growing. Building. Stretching. Rebuilding. I’ve accomplished so much in that time, but I’ve also been tested over and over again. Tested in ways that break you down and rebuild you into someone you didn’t even know you were capable of becoming.

I’ve lost friends and in-laws to jealousy. I’ve been kicked out of spaces because I had human moments while grieving. People who loved me when I was younger but couldn’t handle the version of me that grew. Folks who switched up once the blessings started flowing and life stopped dimming around me. I’ve lost friends who passed away too young, too soon, too unexpectedly. Lost my Grampa and then my Dad a year later. I’ve had dreams die right in my hands. Plans crumble. Opportunities fall apart. I’ve grieved things I never imagined having to let go of.

And then there’s my sister. That relationship feels like Elphaba and Nessa in real life. Love stacked on top of frustration. Wanting to protect someone who doesn’t always know how to see you. Someone who only sees a version of you that fits in her world. A bond that holds history, hurt, hope, and heaviness all at once. It’s complicated in a way that sits deep.

Now I’m walking through a major loss. One that is shaking my foundation as I type this. One that forces me to get out of bed every day and figure out how to anchor myself all over again. And even in the middle of that loss, life has been piling on stress from every angle. Bills. obligations. expectations. dreams with deadlines. grief with no timeline. and a heart that’s tired but still trying to love right.

And through all of it… I’m still trying to show up and do good. Still trying to lead with unconditional love and kindness. Still trying to walk with integrity. Still trying to give love in a world that rarely returns it. Still trying to be present for the people who matter. Still trying to be soft without being taken advantage of. Still trying to keep my spirit intact while life keeps testing the strength of it.

That’s why seeing myself in Elphaba landed deeper than I expected. Because she wasn’t fighting monsters. She was fighting life. Fighting disappointment. Fighting heartbreak. Fighting misunderstanding. Fighting for the people she cared about, even when they didn’t fight for her.

She wasn’t wicked. She was human.

And what moved me the most is this. Elphie didn’t step into her power because the world finally understood her. She stepped into it when she stopped shrinking. When she stopped apologizing. When she realized that being misunderstood doesn’t take away your worth or your goodness. It just exposes other people’s limits.

I feel that in my bones.

Everything in my life is shifting. Identity. Dreams. Boundaries. Friendships. Confidence. Faith. Alignment. And even when it’s heavy, even when it feels like hell week with no end date, even when the pressure is loud, I’m not walking it alone. I got my Glinda. My partner. My balance. My soft landing. My light in the middle of everything shaking around me. And moving through this season with him proves that even when life is loud, love can still steady you as his has done so many times before.

I’m probably going to see Wicked again before our Wicked themed Friendsgiving. Not just because it was good, but because it feels like the reminder I need. The reminder that change doesn’t make you lost. Grief doesn’t make you weak. Letting go doesn’t make you cold. And choosing yourself doesn’t make you selfish.

Maybe that’s the real “No Good Deed.”

Not the acts you do for others…

but the ones you finally stop withholding from yourself.

And if my path glows a little green like Elphie’s magic, then maybe it was meant to all along. 💚